The Best Decision, in My Worst Year

What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?

In an attempt to focus on the positive during a year full of challenges, I’d have to say that the best thing I accomplished was quitting drinking. I was a daily drinker for many years, with vodka being my drink of choice in the evenings. After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder following a year full of manic episodes, I realized I couldn’t handle this new mental health challenge alongside a daily drinking habit.

So, I quit in June. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that difficult—maybe because my entire identity was already falling apart. I knew I had to change and rebuild myself somehow, and giving up drinking for the sake of my “new self” seemed like the only logical choice. At a time when I wasn’t making very logical decisions, this was a good one.

What’s strange is how my life now feels like two entirely different existences: before the diagnosis and after. While I still feel like “me,” when I think back to the way I was, it seems foreign, like that was never really me. I don’t know if it was the drinking, the disorder, or a mixture of both and more.

It’s not that I think I was a bad person before—I don’t. I had good qualities, although at my most manic, I acted in ways I’m not proud of. But even beyond those moments, it’s as if my entire value system shifted. The things I care about now are so different—or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I don’t care about a lot of the things I used to care deeply about. Now, I’m trying to discover what I do care about.

I still feel like I’m searching for my purpose—or perhaps rediscovering it. But one thing is certain: the best thing I did this year, in a year where everything fell apart, was quitting drinking.