Getting to Know Me Again

Bipolar Blog Posts, Bipolar Disorder, Blog, Mental Health, Personal Journey /

Since my diagnosis, I don’t like myself.

Worse, I don’t like anything I used to like.

Things that made me laugh, kept me busy, gave me joy—they all feel foreign now. It’s like running into an old friend and realizing you don’t have anything to talk about anymore.

I’ve been trying to reintroduce myself to my old habits. Podcasting, writing, even just sitting with myself long enough to feel something. It’s awkward. It’s frustrating. And it’s scary as hell because I don’t know what fits in this new life or what I’ve outgrown.

But I’m trying.

If you’re in the middle of something like this, I hope you are, too.

Surviving the Holidays After a Year of Mental Breakdown Bingo

Bipolar Blog Posts, Bipolar Disorder, Holidays, Mental Health, Personal Journey /

The holidays are here, and I’m already bracing for the awkwardness. After a year of breakdowns that put me squarely on everyone’s “Should we be worried?” list, the last thing I want is to be the unofficial conversation topic.

Family gatherings feel like walking into an intervention disguised as dinner. “How’ve you been?” comes with that look, like they’re expecting me to burst into tears or start monologuing about my feelings. Spoiler: I’m planning to do neither. Instead, I’ll be dodging eye contact and volunteering for kitchen duty like my life depends on it.

Honestly, I’m embarrassed. I know people care, but part of me wants to slap a sticker on my forehead that says, “I’m fine now, let’s move on.” Except I’m not entirely fine, and moving on is harder than it looks.

So this year, I’m keeping it simple. No big speeches, no overexplaining. Just showing up, keeping the peace, and hoping everyone’s too distracted by the food to ask too many questions. Wish me luck. If I make it through without a pity hug, I’ll call it a win.

A Work in Progress: Thoughts on Perfection and Starting Anyway

Bipolar Blog Posts, Bipolar Disorder, Blog, Mental Health, Personal Journey /

Hey everyone, just wanted to share an update on the blog and where my head’s at lately. I’ve been working on this for a while now, and while it’s far from perfect, I’ve realized that waiting for perfection is a never-ending trap. I’m excited to keep sharing posts and seeing if they resonate with anyone out there.

Living with this new challenge—bipolar disorder—has been isolating at times, but my hope is that by putting my thoughts out there, I can find others walking a similar path. The blog will keep evolving as I do, and I’ll do my best to keep it updated.

I’m also really looking forward to the podcast! That’s where my passion has been for years, and I can’t wait to dive deeper into my story, including sharing some of the manic episodes I remember. Thanks for following along—I’m so grateful for anyone who takes the time to read or connect.

Groundhog Day and the Bolt That Split My Mind

Bipolar Blog Posts, Bipolar Disorder, Blog, Mental Health, Personal Journey /

I never thought I’d be in this position. Never thought I’d be dealing with something like a disorder, let alone something that hit me so late in life. I was 36, just starting to open my new business—the OK Taco Company. It wasn’t just a business; it was the culmination of years of podcasting and dreaming with my cousin. We’d been recording the OK Taco Show for a while, building this idea where our food truck and podcast worked hand in hand. It was wild, fun, and full of potential.

We’d renovated a 1977 Airstream, and every time we took it out on the road, we filmed and recorded. It felt like we were building something special, something real. Then, I found a building—one big enough to fit the trailer, where we could open a brick-and-mortar taco shop. Everything seemed to fall into place.

Then came the grand opening on Groundhog Day, and, ironically, it felt like a scene out of the movie. We had no idea what we were doing, but the whole town showed up. We weren’t prepared for the crowd, didn’t know how to manage the kitchen, or even how to handle the demand. It was overwhelming. But we got through it.

That’s when it happened.

Out of nowhere, like a flash of light, it felt like my brain got split open. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it was like everything inside me shifted. I still kept going, serving customers, going home, thinking I was fine—but I wasn’t. I was unknowingly stepping into something much bigger than I understood.

The sleepless nights started soon after. And with them came the ideas. Endless, overwhelming ideas. The grandiose thinking kicked in. I started overspending on the business, buying things I thought would help. Trips to Dollar General, Walmart, Amazon—anything I could get my hands on for these projects I couldn’t stop planning. Some of them seemed good, others… not so much. But I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t stick to one idea. I thought I was improving things, but I was spiraling, falling deeper into mania, and I didn’t even know it.

Looking back, I realize I should have just stuck with the plan we had, with the things that were already working. But instead, I got lost in all the “what-ifs” and “maybe’s.” I had no idea where this was all heading, or how long it would last. I didn’t know what mania was. It was all new to me.

For now, this is where I’ll leave the story. The initial unraveling. There’s more to come, but this moment—this flash of light that started everything—is where it all began.

Building a Bipolar 1 Blog: When My Passion Becomes a Cause for Concern

Bipolar Blog Posts, Bipolar Disorder, Blog, Mental Health, Personal Journey /

When I decided to start a blog about my experience with bipolar 1 disorder, it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve always been someone who loves to share my story, and this seemed like a way to not only open up about my journey but also to help others understand what it’s really like to live with this condition. But there’s something about it that’s starting to worry the people around me. And honestly, it’s something I can’t completely ignore.

The thing is, when I get into a project, especially one like this, I go all in. Anyone who has bipolar 1 probably knows what I mean when I say that. I get hyper-focused, like a switch gets flipped, and I can’t stop. I’ve got all these ideas, all this energy, and I’m just running with it. Right now, it’s my blog. The problem? That level of intensity can be overwhelming for those who care about me. They start to notice when I’m burning the candle at both ends, forgetting to check in with them, or just completely losing track of time. And sometimes, they’re right to be concerned.

Here’s where it gets tricky: the thing I’m doing to share my experience with bipolar 1 is actually a perfect example of what happens when I’m in a manic phase. My hyper-focus, my inability to stop once I’m started — it’s all part of the disorder. The very thing that I’m using to open up about bipolar 1 is also kind of a walking example of how the disorder takes over my life. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword.

Now, when my family or friends raise their concerns, I can’t just brush it off. They’re worried because they’ve seen what happens when I get too wrapped up in something. They know that I can push too hard, stretch myself too thin, and end up burning out. And the worst part is, I can’t argue with them. Because, honestly, they’re right. When I’m manic, I’m not always in control of the decisions I’m making. I can’t always tell when I’m overdoing it. But, on the flip side, I also can’t ignore the fact that I’m passionate about this blog, and I want to make a difference. It’s a struggle to balance the two.

This is the part where the paradox sets in. I’m sharing my story about bipolar 1 to educate others, to open up conversations, and to show people that they’re not alone. But the way I’m doing it — with this hyper-focus and intensity — could be a cause for concern. And I get it. It’s a fine line. On one hand, I want to share everything I’m learning and experiencing. On the other hand, I know that my “all-in” approach can sometimes be a red flag for those around me.

So, are they right to worry? Maybe. I can’t deny that the same enthusiasm that fuels my work could also be a sign that things aren’t totally balanced. Bipolar disorder affects more than just me. It affects my family, my friends, the people who care about me. And they don’t want to see me go too far down a path that I can’t control.

That’s where I’m at right now. I want to keep pushing forward with this blog and continue sharing my journey, but I also have to take a step back and make sure I’m not crossing that line into mania. It’s about finding that balance between doing what I’m passionate about and staying grounded. Because at the end of the day, while this blog is a way for me to express myself, I have to remember that the people I love are part of this story too. And their concerns? They matter just as much as mine.